I tossed
I turned
Idle thoughts filled the void
I couldn't sleep
I couldn't rest
Because of thoughts of you.

My best friend and I were talking
about my pathetic emotional state
And as she went to sleep
she left me with a question.

She asked me if I blamed you
or maybe her
for what happened.

Instantly I replied
and told her I didn't blame her for anything
I couldn't. Without a doubt.
But then, I hadn't thought it through.
And you...
...I didn't know.

I went to sleep, and somehow managed to doze off
but I woke up thinking about what she said
and I wondered about you.
And suddenly, it became clear.
I didn't blame you.
It wasn't really your fault, I thought.
It was your drug problem that caused you to do what you did.
Somehow that made perfect sense
for too many months
and that had to change.
Your drug problem was your fault.
I had been blaming the wrong thing.

And I thought some more
and remembered blaming myself
for falling in love with you at all.
You smoked. You drank.
Everything told me to stop
that there'd be no way it could work
and for some reason
I still liked you.

So when I told you that I thought I loved you
at the wrong time
in the wrong place
with the wrong words
it somehow became easy to blame myself.
I completely screwed up telling you my feelings
and that was my fault
and my blame should have ended there
but it didn't.

As I tossed and turned, trying to get back to sleep
I realized something I didn't want to admit
somehow, my warped mind managed to blame ME for YOUR drug abuse!
I knew you had personal problems
and I knew you drank and smoked
so somehow, it didn't seem that far a stretch
to think that I pushed you over the edge
and you began to abuse drugs to escape
from having to deal with me.

I hope to God this is just my warped mind being super-paranoid.
I hope I didn't push you over the edge.
But even if I did
I can't accept the blame any longer.
Your actions were your actions
and they hurt lots of others in the process.

And for some reason
I still can't figure out
I'm still waiting for you to talk to me
I'm still putting myself in front of an emotional freight train
And maybe, deep down, I still have feelings for you?
I dunno. Probablly not.
I should have just written you off as a bad experience six months ago.
But here I am, writing this to you
giving you probabally your tenth Last Chance to Talk
and proving what an incredible idiot I am.

I'm not ever gonna get to sleep now...