Featuring John and Dave, two "intelligent" college freshmen trying to make it through till tomorrow...
The Introduction
March 16, 1997
In tonight's episode, John and Dave, roommates at the University of Maryland, College Park, are watching Sinbad on late-night TV when a startling insight awakens then.
JOHN'S COMMENTARY: The Adventures of Sinbad was an fantasy action/comedy akin to Hercules and Xena. Being college students we often stayed up long into the night, especially on weekends, and Sinbad was one of the more interesting shows on late-night TV. It is important to note that the character Maeve had a pet hawk, and the bird was featured in the credits before the character.
<John> I told you we didn't miss the credits. Remember, this is the show with a ten minute teaser.
<Dave> Eh, teaser this.
<John> You know, that was pretty bad...
<Dave> Hey, what the fuck kind of name is Zen Gesner?
<John> I dunno...maybe he picked it?
<Dave> I'd have rather named my kid Buddhism, rather than Zen. Hey, 'da bird gets higher billing than 'da bitch.
<John> 'Da bird 'den 'da bitch? That sounds kinda funny... Hey, you're right. Must suck to be her.
[Laughter]
<Dave> soo.....did I ever tell you about the table earlier?
[John gives Dave a blank stare]
<John> You mean at your polo game?
<Dave> Not my polo game, you idiot. The WOMENıs polo game.
<John> Oh yeah...you were running the shot clock.
<Dave> Did I tell you about the Apple Snacks?
<John> The breakfast cereal?
<Dave> No...we were bored, and had some Atomic Fireballs, so we unwrapped one, and tried to pass one off as an "Apple Snack."
<John> Anyone bite?
<Dave> No. We tried to give it to the ref, but she just looked at us kinda funny.
<John> Lemme guess, then they shoved it down your throat? Might have made for a good poem, "My Insides Are Burning"
<Dave> heh. No. We just tossed it into the pool and watched it dissolve.
<John> Yeah...five minutes later, someone walks by... "Hey! someone bled in the pool!"
<Dave> Aaaghh....Lisa still has my pants.
<John> ughh...not THAT again. At least she isn't using your pants.
<Dave> Lisa wouldn't fit in my pants.
[Dramatic Pause]
<Dave> That sounded even worse, didn't it?
[Laughter]
<Dave> God, that was bad.
<John> I assume you've noticed by now that you keep spewing out ordinary phrases that have multiple sexual connotations to them, right?
<Dave> I can't help it...my mind's fucked up at the moment.
<John> Hey, you know that the past few Disney animated flicks have scenes with sexual connotations in them, right?
<Dave> huh?
<John> You didn't know that? Where have you been?
<Dave> uhh...
<John> I assume you've seen The Little Mermaid at LEAST once, right?
<Dave> Yeah...
<John> In that scene with the wedding, one of those guys has -
<Dave> Oh yeah, that's right...I saw a big penis in the background.
[Laughter]
<John> heh...no...but one of the guys just standing around had an errection.
<Dave> WHAT?!
<John> One of them had an errection.
[Dave blinks in surprise]
<John> And in The Lion King, there's some scene where one of the lion cubs jumps through some leaves onto another...for a few frames, the leaves supposedly spell out 'SEX'.
<Dave> If Disney movies have subliminal sexual connotations, it's no wonder society's so fucked up.
<John> Hey...awhile ago, someone in an IRC channel I frequent collected a bunch of pictures and threw together a cool looking collage. Lemme show it to you.
[One Minute Later]
<Dave> Hey, I remember this. Where are you hiding?
<John> I'm not. I couldn't find a good picture of me.
<Dave> So what was it you wanted to show me?
<John> You mean you don't see the large penis the guy's holding?
<Dave> Oh shit! How the fuck did I miss that?
<John> heh...and at "popular request," the person that put this together threw together a more modest version. The penis is replaced by a trout.
<Dave> ooh....this I gotta see!
[Yet Another Minute Later]
<John> ah...here it is. Take a look...that trout looks suspiciously like a penis.
<Dave> Yow!
[Pause]
<John> You know, I just had a really-
<Dave> SSSHHH!!!
<John> huh?
<Howard Stern CD> ....You are the MOTHERFUCKING ANTI-CHRIST!
<John> Must you silence everyone in the room when it gets to that track?
<Dave> Umm......yes.
<John> Anyways...I just had a rather really weird thought.
<Dave> I can beat anything you can.
<John> Try me.
<Dave> Did I ever tell you about the cross-dressing party Reed went to?
[John blinks]
<John> WHAT?!
<Dave> See? I told you.
<John> Umm...whatever.
<Dave> Anyways...you were saying?
<John> What if there was a TV series based on our lives?
<Dave> What life?
<John> I mean, what if there were a TV series based on the shit that goes on in this room.
<Dave> [Thinks for a moment] Oh shit...that would be cool. Call up Aaron Spelling.
<John> Ugh...and have our lives turn into Beverly Hills, 90210? I think not.
<Dave> Hey, we could turn this into a web page and stick it online! Update it weekly.
<John> Mabey we could sell ads.
<John & Dave> YES!
[High Five]
[John opens up Simple Text]
<John> This would make for some really scary shit, wouldn't it?
<Dave> Yeah.
<John> What do we call this thing?
<Dave> How about 'The Whiners?' Since that's what we spend most of our time doing.
<John> True.
<Dave> You know, we're gonna have to get pictures of ourselves on here...I make some pretty weird faces.
[Dave makes a face]
<John> And of course, we're going to have to get sound clips.
<Dave> Hey, Scott's got the mike...
<John> He'll think we're nuts.
<Dave> Doesn't he already?
<John> Good point.
<Dave> Hey, could you set the alarm to 7? I need to be at the pool at 8 tomorrow.
<John> Umm....sure...ok...
[John fiddles with the buttons on his alarm clock]
<Alarm Clock> BZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTT
<John> Grrr...
<Dave> How hard can setting an alarm clock be?
<John> Well, the clock reads 2:00am, and that's what the alarm is set to at the moment...
<Dave> Ahh...that makes sense.
[John begins to type this Whiners episode]
<John> EEEK! I can't remember what the fuck we were talking about half an hour ago!
<Dave> Now you know what I go through when I write my poems.
<John> Yeah...I can feel the last half hour fizzing out of my brain. Time for another soda.
<Dave> Eh, soda this. I'm going to sleep now.
<John> Hey.....you didn't eat your garlic bread. And you made it a special point for me to ask them for it, considering it was free...
<Dave> It'll probabally be my breakfast tomorrow.
<John> Yeah, that's what I hate about this campus. The whole fucking thing closes down over the weekend. There's nowhere around here you can get food once the dining hall closes.
[Dave turns off the lights, and gets into bed]
<Dave> Hey! Where'd Sparky go? Where'd Sparky go? Where'd Edward go? Ah, screw Edward...where'd Sparky go?
<John> Don't you think it's slightly childish to have a stuffed dog and bear?
<Dave> In my present state of mind, would you try and take them away from me?
<John> Uh...forget I even asked.
<Dave> Eh, whatever. Night.
<John> G'night.
And so, our first episode ends with John frantically typing the events of the last hour in, hoping he hasn't forgotten anything, while Dave sleeps like a baby clutching Sparky and Eddie.
John is an Electrical Engineering major honors student who, at the moment, can't find anythign non-degrading to say about himself.
Dave is a Comp Sci major manic depressive hypochondriac, or, as he puts it, "I'm totally insane, and it's all in my head." Dave's poems are at http://squishy.dorm.umd.edu/poems/
