The Whiners, #2
Featuring John and Dave, two "intelligent" college freshmen trying to make it through till tomorrow...
The Umbrella
April 2, 1997
In tonight's episode, we take another look at the strange minds of John, Dave, and the various people they encounter.
JOHN'S COMMENTARY: I mentioned last episode that we watched a lot of late-night TV. Late-night being, after 1 am or so. One thing that went along with that was the late-night phone sex and teledating advertisments. There were an awful lot of these on.
[Mid afternoon.]
Scott knocks Katherine's crayons all over the floor, by accident.
<Katherine> Um, you want to help me pick those up?
<Scott> Nah...I'm sure you can do it just fine by yourself.
<Katherine> Scott, you are such a big dick...
Scott walks back into his room.
<Katherine> ...You may not have one, but you are.
Mark looks up from his computer.
<Mark> Well, Scott, you ARE what you eat.
<John and Dave> WHAT?!
<Dave> Well, I did think Scott looked a bit schlongish.
<John> I always thought there was something a bit strange about him...
Dave's watch clasp comes undone.
<Dave> Eep! My watch came undone again.
<John> So, what's new? It always does that.
<Dave> Yeah, and it's *still* plucking my wrist bald.
<John> Think it's time you got a new watch?
<Dave> Nah...I'll wait till I don't have any more wrist hairs.
<John> Which will be next week, at this rate. I don't have that problem.
<Dave> So I guess that makes you better than me, eh?
<John> umm.....yeah. It does.
<Dave> Ah, don't make me shake my tushie in vengance.
<John> Do what?
<Dave> Shake my tushie in vengance.
<John> I'm not sure I want to think about where that's gonna lead...
<Dave> Hey, it could be worse.
<John> What could possibly be worse than a tushie shake of vengance?
<Dave> The tushie shake of happiness?
Dave gets up and shakes his ass a bit.
<John> When was the last time you saw a shrink?
<Dave> Should I see one?
<John> It might help.
[A few hours later...]
<John> You know, TV advertisments are getting stranger and stranger lately...
<Teledating TV Ad Woman> "Nice women don't go to singles bars."
<Teledating TV Ad Daughter> "Then how am I supposed to meet good guys?"
<Teledating TV Ad Woman> "Call 1-800-I-M-DESPERATE. It's free, and it's for good women."
<Dave> No. It's for desperate women.
<John> Well, that much is true.
<Dave> Like me.
<John> uhhhh....
<Dave> Reminds me of that letter Jen sent me. You remember it, right?
<John> You mean the one where she asked you if you were even sure if you were male?
<Dave> That's the one. Did I tell you about the "follow-up?"
<John> No.
<Dave> I made some comment to her about being a manic depressive. She wrote back, saying that I wasn't a manic depressive, and that maybe I had PMS.
<John> Were you dropped on your head as a young child?
<Dave> You know...I can't remember. Don't move.
<John> What are you doing with that Kleenex box?
<Dave> Put your head down. Don't move.
Dave puts a box of Kleenex on John's head.
<John> Right...let's see how long I can balance this.
The box falls off John's head. After about 5 seconds.
<Dave> You know, you are totally uncoordinated.
Dave takes off his shoes and starts to get ready to go to sleep.
<Dave> Hey.! Look! One leg is shorter than the other.
Dave stands with one shoed foot on the floor, one unshoed foot slighty off the ground.
<John> Do I even need to comment?
Dave spins himself around on the inside of the shoed foot.
<Dave> Wheeeee!!
Dave trips over some books placed at strategic positions on the floor, then falls into the closet door.
<John> And I'm uncoordinated?
John picks up the umbrella lying on the floor and holds it in front of Dave's face.
<John> How many umbrellas do you see?
<Dave> 14. Give me my umbrellas!
Dave grabs his umbrella and starts swinging it around, then accidentally smacks himself in the head.
<Dave> Weeeelllll....now that I'm all worked up, I'm going to sleep.
Dave stumbles over his shit on the floor towards his bed. Somehow, his umbrella finds its way into his mouth.
<Dave> Mmm....Umbrella...
Dave tosses the umbrella into the closet.
<Dave> Actually, you know, that tasted pretty good.
Dave walks over, picks up the umbrella, and starts eating it like an ear of corn on the cob.
<John> Go to sleep.
<Dave> ok.
Dave wanders off into his bed.
<Dave> You know, I bet if I put this pillow over my head, I'll get to sleep easier 'cause it'll cut off my air supply.
<John> umm...great.
Dave puts the pillow over his head.
<Dave> It's working!
<John> Great.
<Dave> I'm asleep!
<John> Ok.
<Dave> Really! I am!
<John> Sure.
<Dave> You know, I can see your UPS light through this.
<John> What? You can't possibly see that light!
<Dave> Yes, I can see it blinking.
<John> Great. Now, would you mind doing me a favor?
<Dave> What?
<John> Go to sleep so I can write this issue of the Whiners?
<Dave> ok.
John types up some of this issue of the Whiners, then looks over at Dave after a little while and notices that Dave's got his arms in some weird position.
<John> What are you doing?
<Dave> I'm dancing. Can't you tell?
<John> No. I couldn't.
And thus, the second episode of The Whiners ends much like the first- Dave sleeps clutching Sparky, while John tries to think of a good way to word this sentence.
John is an Electrical Engineering major student wondering how he managed to start writing this series.
Dave is a Comp Sci major subject to wild mood swings. Best not get too close, or they'll likely hit you.
