The Whiners, #4
Featuring John and Dave, two "intelligent" college freshmen trying to make it through till tomorrow...
Inside Out
April 13, 1997
In today's episode, Someone discovers that Marilyn Manson writes some rather strange music.
NOTE: Dave's name has been changed to protect the guilty.
Someone walks in from a soccer game.
<John> So...how'd you do?
<Someone> Well...let's just say this: They knew what the fuck they were doing.
<John> I'm assuming for the moment that your team didn't.
<Someone> Your grasp of the obvious is amazing.
<John> Thank you.
<Someone> Mabey I should start wearing a jock strap instead of jockey shorts.
<John> umm....why?
<Someone> Let's just put it this way. I'm not sure if these things are too big for me, but I keep falling out of them...
John gives Someone a strange look.
<John> umm.....what?!
<Someone> I keep falling out of my shorts. Mabey I'm wearing them inside out.
<John> I'll just pretend I didn't hear that...
<Someone> Hey...I got a Marilyn Manson CD earlier today....Smells Like Children.
<John> Hm...it's got one of those 'Explicit Lyrics' stickers on it. Must be good.
<Someone> Yeah.
Someone reads the track list on the CD.
<Someone> eh? "The Hands of Small Children?" "Shitty Chicken Gang Bang?"
<John> I wonder if it's a shitty chicken doing a gang bang, or a gang banging on a shitty chicken.
Someone groans.
<Someone> That was bad...
<John> What else is on the CD?
<Someone> Let's see...."Kiddie Grinder," "May Cause Discoloration of the Urine or Feces," "Scabs, Guns, and --"
Someone is interrupted by a loud scream from Scott, clothed only in a bathtowel.
<Scott> Fuck! It is fucking freezing in there!
The door to Scott's room slams shut.
Scott opens his door, runs to his window, and attempts to close it. The door slams shut again before he makes it to the window.
<John> Well...
Scott opens his door.
<Scott> My schlong has retracted into my body!!
Scott slams his door again.
<Someone> Nooo! It's the case of the amazing shrinking schlong.
<John> That sounds like something out of an R-rated version of Scooby Doo.
Someone whines.
<John> What's wrong with you now?
<Someone> My knee is mocking me!
<John> Your whole body is mocking you...
Someone walks over to his chair, clucking like a chicken. Only he's not "clucking." He's "fucking."
<John> Forgot to take your knee brace to your game?
<Someone> Yes. Can you do me a favor?
<John> Sure...what?
<Someone> Next time I go off to a soccer game, if I don't take my knee brace with me, kick me in the knee and remind me.
John puts an evil grin on his face.
<John> Sure...no problem.
[Several Hours Pass]
Someone walks in from the dining hall, after water polo practice, crashes on the floor, and begins to eat.
<John> Welcome back.
Someone ignores John and eats his dinner. Moments later, he looks up with a confused look on his face.
<John> Are you ok?
<Someone> I'm confused.
<John> Ah. I see.
John ponders for a moment.
<Someone> What's one plus two?
John looks at Someone with a puzzled look.
Someone appears to think rather hard.
<Someone> Seven.
<John> Umm....No.
<Someone> Umm....Seventeen?
<John> No. Higher.
Someone looks confused.
<Someone> Eight? No....Sixteen?
<John> No. Much higher.
<Someone> Um....one?
<John> No. Lower.
<Someone> Uhh...eighteen?
<John> No. Higher.
<Someone> Uhh...Six? No...Seven?
<John> No. Just a bit higher.
<Someone> Umm....two? No...nine?
John decides that if this exchange goes on much longer, not only will Someone make more of an ass of himself than is necessary, this episode of the Whiners would get rather boring, rather fast.
<John> No! It's negative one, you dumbass!
<Someone> Oh yeah...that's right. Negative one.
John gives Someone a puzzled look, then turns back to his computer.
Someone gets up and walks out the door, then walks back in a few minutes later.
<Someone> I have some rather disturbing news.
<John> Oh, this'll be good...
Someone points to his jockey shorts.
<Someone> It turns out that I was wearing them inside out.
And thus, the fourth episode of the Whiners ends with Someone standing around looking like an ass, and John trying to purge bad images from his mind.
John is an Electrical Engineering major Honors student, who has decided that Someone needs serious psychological help.
Someone is a Comp Sci major student who has enrolled in MATH001 to relearn basic arithmetic skills.
