The Whiners, #5
Featuring John and Dave, two "intelligent" college freshmen trying to make it through till tomorrow...
The Schlong Files
April 15, 1997
In today's episode, John and Dave learn that making class schedules can be more of a pain than most people bargain for.
NOTE: Scott's name has been misspelled to protect his schlong.
Dave sneezes.
<Dave> I'm all sneezely.
John looks at Dave kinda funny.
<Dave> Yes, that's right. I'm kinda sneezely.
[Pause]
<Dave> You gonna put that in the next Whiners?
<John> Umm...no.
John gets up and strolls over to to Skotte's room, where there is a ruckus in progress.
Dave looks at his web server log and squeals.
<Dave> They keep coming! Noo! Stop!
[In Skotte's Room...]
Skotte and Kathryn are engaged in some sort of struggle. It would appear that Skotte is trying to tickle Kathryn, and she is trying to kick his ass.
<John> I think I'll just stay out of this.
Skotte picks Kathryn up and slings her over his shoulder. John ducks out of the way of her legs.
<Kathryn> Put me down!
Skotte carries her out into the hall and walks around for a bit, before putting her back down.
<Mark> Well, you two look like you're having fun.
<Skotte> Oh, yes. Definately.
Skotte goes toward Kathryn again. Somehow, she manages to get dumped in the back of Mark's closet.
<John> Quick! Close the doors and lock her in!
Skotte and John start to pull Mark's closet door closed, but the stuff (and Kathryn) on the floor overflowing out of the closet make this task somewhat impossible. They give up and let her stew on the floor for a bit, before pulling her out.
<Mark> Great, guys...just go squash all my stuff...
Kathryn hits Skotte.
<Kathryn> Skotte, I came in here to give you a massage...and what do I get in return? You beat me up!
<John> Well, if he doesn't want a massage, I'll take one.
<Mark> I could use one as well.
John points to the paneling above the closet door, which has now partially detached itself from the wall.
<John> You guys are going to wind up with a repair bill for this room at the end of the semester.
<Skotte> Nah...they won't notice that.
<John> Maybe, but you can't tell me that someone isn't going to notice the words "Fuck you all!" written on your wall with glow-in-the-dark glue?
<Skotte> Mark did that. He's weird.
<John> And you aren't?
<Skotte> Yeah. One day, he got his dick out and decided to paint the wall.
<John> Okay...
[Later that day]
For no apparent reason, John, Dave, Skotte, and Mark start working on their class schedules.
<Dave> This sucks...I can't take MATH240 because it's offered only at the same time as another class I have to take.
<John> Live with it. It was hell making my last schedule work.
Dave scrolls through more generated schedules.
<John> Aarrghh....I HATE making schedules. I HAVE to take four courses- PHYS262, MATH246, ENEEE241, and ENEE244- next semester. Physics is ONLY offered in two varieties: one with classes from eight to ten am, and one with classes from seven to nine pm. And I don' t like classes that early or that late.
<Dave> Ha ha! (Said in a Nelson-type voice (the bully from the Simpsons))
<John> hmm...this a cool schedule. Those four courses, thirteen credits, and nothing on Friday.
<Dave> Ha. This schedule has nothing on Friday...and it has 15 credits.
<John> Really? Cool...
Five minutes later, Skotte breaks up the monotony of John and Dave working on their schedules.
<Skotte (yelling loudly)> Jeez, Mark! You talk pretty loud on that phone! John and Dave across the hall can hear you!
John looks at Dave and shrugs.
<John> Gee...I didn't think he was talking that loudly.
[A few minutes later]
<John> I HATE making schedules and these stupid CORE requirments. NOTHING that looks even remotely interesting will work with these four courses. The stupid thing can't even generate a schedule...
John tries another class.
<John> Watch...this thing will tell me "No, dumbass!"
Sure enough, it does.
<Dave> Ha ha!
<John> Waitasec...no wonder...
<Dave> What?
<John> Mabey if I try telling it to generate schedules with a maximum of more than 15 credits...
John selects "25 credits" and tries again. Failure.
[Time passes...]
<John> Woohoo!! Hey Dave....check this schedule out- sixteen credits, and except for two 8am classes, the majority of my schedule falls between 11am and 2pm. And nothing on Friday. Great schedule, eh?
<Dave> Ah, go fuck yourself.
<John> You go fuck yourself...with yourself, in yourself, up yourself.
Dave puts on a rather interesting looking face, and John tries to figure out what he just said.
<Dave> Umm...I'm afraid I can't comply with such a request. I don't think I'm that flexible.
[Dramatic Pause]
<Dave> No.
<John> It probabally won't matter anyways...with my luck, by the time I can register for classes, all these sections will be full.
<Dave> When can you register for classes?
<John> May first.
<Dave> Heh...I can register more than a week before you. You probabally have the latest registration date.
<John> Actually, Skotte can't register until four hours after me.
Scott walks out of his room and stands in the hall.
<Skotte> Hey guys! Check this out!
Skotte drops his shorts to reveal a pair of "I'm too sexy for my pants" boxers.
John and Dave begin rolling on the floor lauging. (Well, not quite...)
Skotte walks up and down the hall flashing his underwear.
<John> Well...NOW, I've seen everything.
And thus, the fifth episode of the Whiners ends with John and Dave wondering just where Skotte buys his underwear, and then wondering why they were wondering that.
John is an Electrical Engineering major Honors student who is going to severely hurt the next person that even remotely suggests that making class schedules is "fun," "easy," or "painless."
Dave is a Comp Sci major student who is currently complaining that "too many" people are accessing his web server. (Keep those hits coming!)
