Featuring John and Dave, two "intelligent" college freshmen trying to make it through till tomorrow...
Wet And Wild
April 25, 1997
In today's episode, and Scott learns the importance of speaking softly, while carrying a big schlong.
JOHN'S COMMENTARY: Towards the end of this episode, we make reference to the "Asian Mafia", a running gag concerning group of asians who lived on our floor and who appeared to play Quake non-stop 24 hours a day. Presumably, they took breaks from time to time eat, bathe, or go to class, but it was never clear at any point that they actually did.
John and Dave walk in from a game of Ultimate Frisbee.
<John> Well...that was quite an...interesting...game.
<Dave> Considering you did, what, three summersaults? I mean...this is a game, not a profession. You don't need to get THAT deeply into it!
<John> Yeah, yeah...whatever.
John turns on his monitor and checks his mail. He pulls up an interesting one, titled "ASSASSINS Game forming!"
Dave sits down and starts complaining about how sore he is, and that he should have taken a knee brace.
John reads the email.
<Dave> You know, if I really work at it, I think I can alienate everyone on this floor by the end of this semester.
<John> Umm.....Dave...you say that like it's a good thing.
<Dave> You mean it isn't?
Dave whines.
<Dave> You're confusing me.... My head hurts.... Make it stop!
<John (reading)> "...Game of Assassins forming..."
A scream is heard down the hall.
<John> "...water guns..."
Someone runs past the room, screaming.
<John> "...no "Asher" type guns allowed." What the hell is an "Asher" type gun?
Asher (a guy from the other side of the building) runs down the hall with a Super Soaker CPS2000. Or, in other words, a big-ass watergun.
<Dave> Well...ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
Perhaps a bit of explination is in order.
For the past week or so, there have been water gun fights on our floor. This was the first I had seen of a water gun this big, though (it's VERY big).
The Super Soaker CPS2000 holds almost a gallon of water, and can fire a pint of water almost 30 feet away in under a second. It's a big weapon. In other words, you want to be the person with the gun, not the person running away from the gun, unless you happen to be a fairly nice looking woman wearing a white shirt. ;-)
Scott sticks his head out of his door.
<Scott> What the fuck was that?
<Dave> Don't worry about it. Go away.
Scott gives Dave a funny look and goes back into his room. John goes over.
<John> Did you see the size of that thing?
<Scott> Yeah...it's about the size of my schlong.
<Dave> Why did I see that coming?
<Scott> You saw my schlong cumming? What the fuck are you? A fucking pervert?!
Dave groans at the obvious use of a bad pun.
Two people with water guns run past, towards the other side of the building. Being curious or bored (or stupid, it's your choice), Scott and John follow them down the hall. They (the people with the water guns) run into a bathroom, where there are about five or six people standing. The floor is soaking wet.
<John> Well...this looks like fun.
Scott sticks his head into the bathroom. Someone fires at the door with a Big-Ass Gun. Scott ducks back out. His shirt is dripping wet.
<John> Gee, Scott...that was intelligent.
<Scott> You know what's fucking scary? This was only like a quarter of the water stream...most of it fucking hit the door and splashed onto me.
Scott pokes his head backs in, then, all of a sudden, takes off and runs down the hall. John takes this as an appropriate cue to follow Scott.
Several other people run out of the bathroom, or so it would seem. John was too busy concentrating on running down thall without slipping on the water.
<Scott> Holy shit!
John and Scott make it to John's room and duck in and close the door just as the water guns go off., drinching anyone else in the hall.
Dave has a stupid "Well, what do you expect, dumbass?" look on his face.
<Dave> Need I say more?
[Hours later...like, 2am]
Dave turns on the TV.
<Dave> Oh boy...it's my favorite commecial!
<TV Phone Sex Ad (with music)> "We're all alone...Just pick up the phone..."
<John> Um...Dave...if it's gotten to the point where you have a favorite TV phone sex ad, maybe we've been watching a little too much late-night TV on the weekends.
<Dave> But it's the only original one...
John sighs.
Scott walks in.
<Scott> Hey guys...You don't mind if I hang out in here for a little while, do you? Mark and his girlfriend are...well...occupied at the moment.
John looks over into Scott's room.
<John> What, Scott, your room isn't a place for sex?
<Mark> Everyplace is a place for sex...even with the door open and the lights on!
Dave eaks out in laughter. John tries to maintain composure. Scott walks into his room.
Scott screams, and runs out of his room and takes a few steps down the hall.
<Scott> Did you shat they're doing in there?
Mark and his girlfriend are "pretending" to have sex on a chair that is barely out of view from the hallway.
<Mark> Hey...it works all the time!
[Time passes...]
<Another TV Phone Sex Ad (with music, sleazily)> "Do you want to have fun tonight?"
<Dave> No. I don't.
<John> Dave, you're supposed to say "Yes, I do" and pick up the phone and call them.
<Dave> But I don't want to have fun tonight...
Yet another TV Phone Sex Ad comes on.
<Dave> Hey you know...I just noticed...some of these women look familiar. I've seen them in other ads...
<John> Now that is bordering on pathetic...
<Dave> Hey...it's 4am, and Star Trek is advertising. What else do you expect me to do?
<John> Mute the volume like you normally do.
<Dave> Ah...ok.
Dave mutes the volume.
<John> Hey...I wonder...is there such a thing as a Professional TV Phone Sex Ad Model?
<Dave> And you're calling me pathetic?
Star Trek comes back on. Dave unmutes the volume.
<John> You know, I think we're the only people awake at this time of weekend...
Screams are heard down the hall.
<Dave> You're forgetting about those orientals that play Quake 24 hours a day.
John makes a face.
<John> Oh. Sorry. Forgot about them.
A boulder falls on top of some poor Red Shirt on Star Trek. Kirk and McCoy rush over.
McCoy looks at Kirk with a grim look on his face.
<McCoy> He's dead, Jim.
<John> Like, duh. We've never seen him before, and he's wearing a red shirt...0
<Dave> I would pay to see a Star Trek episode where McCoy says "He's dead, Jim...DUH!"
<John> Well, there's three other Red Shirts, so maybe you'll get lucky.
<Dave> Oh, goody!
And thus, the sixth episode of the Whiners ends with John waiting for the next Red Shirt to get squashed by the Giant White Thing, while Dave eagerly awaits his favorite TV commercial.
John is an Electrical Engineering major Honors student. What else do you need to know? ;)
Dave is a Comp Sci major student who is most likely to be taping TV Phone Sex Ads just to see if the same girl _does_ appear in more than one ad.
