Featuring John and Dave, two "intelligent" college freshmen trying to make it through till tomorrow...
Revenge of the Bugs
April 30, 1997
In today's episode, Scott learns the best way to stimulate the growth of those little black bugs that fly around your ceiling light fixtures.
John walks into his room after returning from a TerpMUG meeting.
Dave whines about his head hurting.
<John> Well, it's not my fault you got smacked in the head fifty times over the weekend. When you're the defense for your polo team, what do you expect?
<Dave> I don't expect them to shoot the polo ball AT me. They're supposed to shoot it AROUND me.
<John> I suppose that could be a problem...
Dave makes some weird sounds.
<John> Let me guess...your concussion is mocking you again?
<Dave> Bingo.
[5 minutes later...]
<Dave> Scott's room is infested with bugs.
<John> What?
<Dave> Scott's room is infested with bugs.
John walks over to Scott's room.
<John> Hey Scott...Dave says your room is infested with bugs.
<Scott> Yeah...
Scott points at the overhead light.
<John> Holy shit...
Many, many bugs are flying around the light, trying to get inside the cover.
<Scott> Yeah...look at 'em...they're all over this room!
Scott gets up and goes towards his closet.
<Scott> Mabey if I spray 'em with Lysol, that'll kill 'em.
Scott sprays the bugs with Lysol, while John covers his mouth and nose and ducks out of the room.
John notices a few bugs flying around his ceiling light.
<Dave> They're everywhere!!
<John> Scott's spraying the bugs with Lysol.
<Dave> I know. I can smell it from here.
Scott stops spraying the bugs and walks out of the room, coughing.
<John> Hey, Scott...I hate to tell you this, but those bugs have grown since you sprayed them.
<Scott> What?!?!
Sure enough, the bugs really have gotten bigger.
Dave gets up off his ass and wanders into Scott's room. He gags, jumps out, takes a big breath, and holds it, and walks into Scott's room with his cheeks bulging out.
Dave laughs at Scott as best he can without breathing.
<Scott> Fuuuck! They're thriving off the Lysol!
<John> Mabey you should spray 'em with more. They might get too big and explode.
Dave jumps out of Scott's room and takes a big breath of air.
<Scott> Fuuuck!!!
Scott switches his fan from suck to blow to air the room out.
John walks out of Scott's room and closes the door behind him.
<John> Jeez...I've never seen so many live bugs trying to get into a light...
Scott opens his door.
<Scott> Fuuuckkk!!
<John> And yes, once again, this confirms my theory that 'fuck' is Scott's favorite word.
Scott tries to take the lamp cover off, but can't reach it.
<Scott> Hm...Where is Mark's shirt?
Scott rummages around in the closet and grabs one of his roommate's shirts, then uses it to knock the cover off, spilling out some of the already accumulated bugs.
<Dave> Here...let me help.
Dave reaches up and removes the cover with ease, then gives it to Scott and walks out of the room.
Scott walks out of the room with the cover.
<Scott> Watch out!
Dave ducks on the floor to avoid being hit with eight months of accumulated bugs.
John closes Scott's door again, as Scott walks to the bathroom.
<Dave> Well, I suppose he'll want me to put it back up for him.
A few minutes later, Scott comes back from the bathroom, with the lamp cover dripping.
<Scott> Hey Dave...could you help me put this back up?
<Dave> Sure...
Dave takes a giant breath of air, then jumps into Scott's room and puts the cover back up.
<Scott> Thanks.
<Dave> Sure..
Dave gags
<Dave> Aack! I breathed the air!
Dave jumps out of Scott's room again.
Someone walks past John and Dave in the hall, and sees a puddle of water outside Scott's door.
<Scott> Sorry about that...I had to take a piss, and I couldn't make it to the bathroom.
Dave takes a step away from Scott.
Oddly enough, that puddle did have a slightly yellow tinge to it. I suppose that happens when you mix dead bug guts with water...
<Scott> I think I know why there's so many fucking bugs in here..
<John> Oh? Why?
<Scott> The fucking trash dumpster is right outside my window.
<John> That could do it...
[time passes. The Late Show with Conan O'Brien is on TV.]
<Scott (yelling, from his room)> Hey John! Come take a look at this!
<John> Hang on a sec...Conan is showing weird newspaper ads.
Scott sings something, which is unintelligible, probabally because I'm trying to listen to Conan.
<Dave> He's squeaking again!
<Conan> ...ad for mattresses. Down here in the corner, it reads "This matress proven dog-tested tough." [picture of two dogs having sex next to the caption]
<John> I suppose that goes right up there next to last semester's "Our rugs are ass-rubbin' good."
Dave just stares blankly at the TV. Whether it's in shock, or because his concussion is mocking him will remain a mystery.
John wanders over to Scott's room.
<John> So...what was it you wanted to show me?
<Scott> Take a look at this.
On Scott's screen is a parody of Aladdin's "A Whole New World," titled "A Whole Nude World."
<John> Do I really want to read this?
Scott starts singing the first stanza:
I can show you my schlong,
See the entire song
Big and sparkling and splendid,
I can make it extended
On my magic mattress ride.
<John> I think I've heard enough....Where the fuck did you get that, anyways?
<Scott> I wrote it.
<Mark> No you didn't.
<Scott> I'm serious...I did. A friend of mine and I wrote it last year...we turned it in to our English teacher as extra credit.
<John> So, what happened?
<Scott> Well...we both got all the extra credit points...and a referal to see the principal.
<John> What'd the principal say?
<Scott> He fucking laughed his ass off and sent us back to class.
And thus, the seventh episode of the Whiners ends with Dave's brain's concussion kicking its own ass and John trying to purge his mind of the past two hours.
John is an Electrical Engineering major Honors student who is trying to figure out if the recently discovered antimatter stream from the center of the galaxy has anything to do with the strange stuff that's been happening this semester.
Dave is a Comp Sci major student who is relaxing by watching his computer's screen saver run through mazes.
