Featuring John and Dave, two "intelligent" college freshmen trying to make it through till tomorrow...
Whether weather...
May 4, 1997
In today's episode, Dave battles the forces of nature and loses.
John walks into his room between classes. It has just started pouring rain outside. On the elevator ride up, a few people ask him if it's raining hard. It should be fairly obious...
[five minutes later]
Dave walks in, stands just outside the door.
<Dave> Look at me.
Dave is dripping soaking wet.
<Dave> Now, look at this.
Dave turns around. His backside is completely dry.
<John> I'm not sure I want to know how you managed to accomplish that.
Dave peels off his outer layers of clothing, and John puts them on the closet door to dry.
<Dave> Well, that certainly was fun, wasn't it?
<John> If you say so...
Dave steps into the room walks behind John, and takes the rest of his clothes off.
<John> Hmm...my roommate is naked behind me...boy, am I glad I don't have the urge to turn around...
<Dave> Hey, can I help it if my underwear is wet?
<John> Well, just because it's raining outside doesn't mean you have to relieve youself in your pants...
John stops for a second, then tries to purge the last thought from his mind.
<Dave> uhh...yeah...right....whatever. Besides...I wasn't totally naked. I still had my shirt on.
<John> I'll take your word on that.
[Later that night, overheard from Scott's room]
<Amy> So, who's going to drive if Scott can't?
<Kathryn> Scott won't let us drive his stick because it's too hard and we might kick in the turbo.
<Amy> Do you realize what you just said?
Kathryn thinks for a second.
<Kathryn> Oh shit...
[Laughter breaks out]
[Later that night]
Dave walks in from water polo practice.
<Dave> Guess what?
<John> You drowned during practice? No..wait...you're here...you couldn't do that. Darn...
<Dave> The team unanimously elected me as president of the team. Must have done that last practice when I wasn't there.
<John> So, what's that get you?
<Dave> I think that means I get to beg the SGA for money.
<John> Good for you.
Dave checks his voicemail.
Voicemail- Dave!! We need you! Come to practice!! We're nothing without you! Please!
<John> Seems like they were really desperate to tell you you were the new president.
<Dave> I'll say...
[Time passes]
<Dave> Look at me!
John looks at Dave.
<Dave> I'm not listening....
<John> What?
Dave grabs a pair of pens and sticks them in his ears.
<Dave> I'm not listening!
<John> Ok. I guess that means I can turn the TV up more.
John turns the TV up. Dave bounces his head up and down. Somehow, the pens stay in, although they wiggle quite a bit.
<Dave> I'm not listening!
Dave collapses on his chair and checks his email.
<Dave> Hey! Look! I can play rap music in my pants.
Dave rubs his hands up and down his warm-up pants. It sounds like rap music, with a stutter.
<John> Great...my roommate, the next MC Hammer.
<Dave> I have swampass.
John looks at dave kinda funny.
<Dave> You have a blowdryer? I have like a fucking marsh in my pants.
<John> No, I don't.
<Dave (whining)> I have a whole fucking ecosystem in my pants!
<Dave> Aaarggh...I'm only getting $11,000 in scholarship money this year. What am I supposed to do?
<John> Go screw yourself.
Dave stares into space, for a few minutes and starts drooling.
<John> Uhmm...Dave...I didn't mean that literally...
<Dave> Oh. Sorry.
<John> Just make sure you clean up the mess...
Dave switches boxer shorts and puts his old ones on his head.
<John> Dave, is there any particuar reason why you're wearing your boxers on your head?
<Dave (in stereotypical pirate voice)> Ahoy mate! I'm Captain Pirate Dave! I'm cleanin' me pants like ye told me to!
<John> Ok, but I didn't say you had to put your head into the crotch of your pants.
<Dave> This smells funny...
<John> Like it wouldn't?
Dave stands up.
<Dave> I'm going to take a shower.
<John> Good, because you smell funny.
Dave goes to take a shower, and comes back half an hour later.
Dave stands in front of his CD player. In his towel.
<Dave> I think I'm forgetting something important...
<John> You mean, like getting dressed?
<Dave> Oh! Yes, that could be it!
Dave puts clothes on and sits down.
<TV> (sleazy phone sex ad music)
<Dave> Woohoo!
<John> What?
<TV Phone Sex Ad (with music)> "We're all alone...Just pick up the phone..."
<John> umm....Dave?
<Dave> Hey, you watch your Babylon 5, I'll watch this.
<John> If you like it so much, why don't you call them?
<Dave> But they don't actually answer the phone...
<John> How do you know? Have you tried before?
<Dave> As a matter of fact...no! I mean, yes! No!
<John> Which?
<Dave> What?
<John> Which?
<Dave> Left?
<John> Who?
<Dave/John> Down? Right? Up? Who? Room. Floor. Ceiling. Window. ...
This goes on for a few minutes, until the Whiners get sick of it.
And thus, the eighth episode of the Whiners ends. Hopefully, the smell from Dave's pants will fade away by next episode.
John is an Electrical Engineering major Honors student who hopes that swampass isn't contagious.
Dave is a Comp Sci major Honors student who appears not to be living in this world.
