The Whiners, #18
Featuring John and Matt, two "intelligent" college sophomores trying to make it through till tomorrow...
They Might Not Be Giants
April 18, 1998
In today's Whiners episode, learn that they might not be the giants they imagine themselves to be.
Friday afternoon. 5pm.
<Matt> Ok, I'm going to go get a shower now.
<John> Don't take too long...you did want to leave for the TMBG concert in an hour.
<Matt> Yeah, sure...whatever.
Matt drapes his towel around his shoulders like a cape.
<Matt> Showerman is off to the shower!
Matt heads off to the shower. John looks outside.
<John (to self)> Hmm...sure has gotten dark quickly...
45 minutes later...
John starts to leave the bathroom when an extremely loud thunderclap echoes through the building. The lights flicker in a pattern.
<John> Ooh...this'll be fun...
John walks over to the window and looks outside. It's quite windy and the clouds are rolling by fast.
John walks back to his room and pulls up a weather forcast.
<John (to computer)> Oh? Really? Doesn't look very sunny outside right now...
Matt walks back from the shower.
<Matt> Umm...John...don't you think you should close the window?
<John> Why?
John looks over at the window. It's pouring down rain. Hard.
<John> Oh. Wasn't raining a minute ago.
Matt walks over to the window. As John's closing it, Matt notices two people outside.
<Matt> Hey, take a look at this...there's two people out there running for their lives. They must be soaking wet. (Nelson-style Ha-Ha follows)
<John> Does it really matter? They're soaking wringing wet already. They can't possibly get wetter than they are now. Much like you.
Matt realizes that he's still standing around in a towel.
John closes the window. Matt gets dressed.
<Matt> You going to take anything to get autographed?
<John> Yeah...I'm going to take the liner for "John Henry" [a TMBG album]. I figure, it'll be interesting to have the Johns sign the "John Henry" album and make it out to John. [TMBG's lead members are both named John.]
<Matt> Umm....yeah.....sure...
<John> I assume you'll be taking the liner for "Flood"?
<Matt> Considering it's the only TMBG CD I own, yeah.
Matt finishes getting dressed.
<John> Almost ready to leave?
<Matt> Yeah. Think we ought to take umbrellas?
John looks out the window. It has stopped raining.
<John> I think it might be a good idea.
John and Matt leave for the concert. Along the way, they stop by the dining hall to pick up some food. John gets the last burger, and the two of them head to Matt's car.
<Matt> Wait...I think I'm forgetting something...
<John> Like what?
<Matt> Like my umbrella...what'd I do with my umbrella?
<John> You're holding it under your arm.
Matt looks at his umbrealla.
<Matt> Oh.
<John> You know, that's like losing your glasses on your face. By the way, you can take the hood off, now. It's not raining.
Matt suddenly realizes that he's been looking like a fool for five minutes.
<Matt> Yeah, I think I can do that...
They get into Matt's car and drive to the Metro station, then grab a train to Catholic University of America.
Five metro stops later, they get off.
<Matt> Ok...now...where is the DuFour Center?
Matt looks around and sees a policeman.
<John> There's a sign pointing that way.
<Matt (to policeman)> Hi...could you tell me where the They Might Be Giants concert is?
<John> It's over that way.
<Policeman> It's over that way.
<Matt> Thanks!
<John> Matt, there was a sign behind him...
<Matt> Oh. Right.
John and Matt walk down a road.
Five minutes later...
<John> Gee...it sure would be nice if they had more signs...
Ten seconds later, they pass a sign.
Five minutes later...
<Matt> Ok, this is getting a bit ridiculous...
Another five minutes later...
...it begins to drizzle.
Five additional boring minutes later...
<John> Hm...there's a line up there. I wonder if that could be the place...
A sign on the building reads "DuFour Center."
<Matt> I would be willing to bet that it is.
Matt sees someone the Whiners know near the front of the line, so rather than waiting around at the end of the line, they cut to the front. As if on cue, the rain changes from a drizzle to a downpour. A cannopy of umbrellas goes up. Five minutes later, the doors open. After surrendering ticket stubs, John and Matt notice a table with a sign-up sheet for information for TMBG. They sign the sheet.
John notices a signup sheet for something named "Lincoln."
<John> Hm...wonder what Lincoln is...
<Matt> I think they're a kind of drums...
<John> Who would put out a signup sheet for more information about drums?
<Matt> These people, obviously.
John and Matt go into the auditorium. Or rather, a gymnasium done up to work as one. A drum set is on the stage, with the word "Lincoln" on the front.
<John> I dunno...I guess they're supposed to be a really good set of drums.
Lincoln turns out to be the opening band.
<Matt> Oh crap...I think I signed the Lincoln list.
<John> No, you didn't.
<Matt> Yes, I did.
<John> No, you didn't.
<Matt> I'm sure I did.
<John> Matt, I signed the same list as you, and that list was the TMBG list. You did not sign the Lincoln list.
<Matt> I don't know..I think I did sign the Lincoln list. I'm gonna go out and check.
<John> For the last time, you signed the TMBG list. You don't need to go out and check.
<Matt> If you're so sure about it, I guess...
Lincoln comes on. They play. They're not especially great. (And that's us being generous.)
<<SNAAAPP>>*
A guy to the right of Matt calls over to a guy to the left of John, who moves toward Matt.
Matt remembers that his backpack has been on the floor for the last hour.
<Matt (to second guy)> umm...hey...watch out for...
The second guy almost trips over Matt's backpack.
<Matt> ...my backpack.
The second guy looks down, then looks at Matt.
<Second guy> Whatcha have a backpack there for? Ya got crack in there?
<Matt> uhh....what?
<Crack Guy> Do you have crack in yer backpack?
John and Matt look at Crack Guy, wondering if he's serious.
<Matt> No, why don't you try the Mayor?
(The Mayor would be the Mayor of Washington DC, Marion Barry.)
<Crack Guy> Um...sure...ok...
Crack Guy wanders off.
<John> Umm...well...that was somewhat interesting...
<Matt> I'll say...
Matt and John stand around for a while. A long while. TMBG is taking their time at getting on stage. After about an hour of waiting, a stagehand brings out an accordion and rather odd-looking contraption. The accordion goes on the right side of the stage, and the contraption goes in the center. The stagehand walks out.
<John> I wonder what that is...looks like a really odd microphone.
<Random> It's a confetti cannon!
<Matt> I dunno..the best I can figure is that they're going to fire a cargo net over us.
<John> Sounds like fun, though I'd prefer the confetti myself.
TMBG get on the stage. They do a song, explain that they're going to fire the confetti cannon during "James K. Polk," and then proceed to sing "James K. Polk." The cannon fires. Confetti is still in the air over half an hour later.
The crowd begins to jump up and down to the tune of the song, and Matt becomes aware that his backpack is becoming a trampoline, and is forced to wear it on his back for the rest of the concert.
Since this Whiners episode is getting to be extremely long, and since the rest of the concert is relatively boring, through the magic of HTML files, we will transport two hours ahead, at which point, John and Matt get off the Metro station and walk back to Matt's car. Rest assured, Matt did sign the TMBG information list. John checked while they were getting numerous autographs.
Matt turns the key in the ignition.
<John> Umm....nothing's happening.
Matt tries again. Nothing happens.
<Matt> Oh no...
<John> What?
<Matt> I left the lights turned on...
<John> And the battery died?
<John and Matt in unison> D'oh!
Matt notices a couple of women getting into a car nearby.
<Matt> Maybe I could ask them to to give my car a jump start?
<John> You better do it quickly..they're leaving.
Matt jumps out of his car and starts talking to them.
After a bit, John gets out and walks over.
<Girl 1> ...but, we could give you a lift.
<Matt> That'd be great!
<John> Sounds good!
Matt goes back to his car to lock the doors and get his backpack. John gets into the back seat, if it could be called such. The car is a sports car, and has a lot of miscelaneous junk in the back. Leg room is nonexistant.
<Girl 2> Sorry there's not too much room back there...
<John> Hey...no problem. It beats walking back....
Matt tosses his backpack into the back of the car and gets in. John's legs are in an almost vertical position...Matt isn't any better off, considering he's almost a foot taller than John.
The usual round of introductions ensues, and there is boring and irrelevant smalltalk as John and Matt get a lift back to campus. Matt asks to be dropped off in front of the student union so he can attend a Film Committee retreat ("Big Party in a Movie Theater, including full-contact races"), while John just wants to go back to the dorm.
Matt's drop-off goes without a hitch, and John gets a ride back to his dorm. Sort of. The problem with this camups and cars is that it's almost impossible to drive from one place on-campus to another without taking a long, twisted route through some parking lot. It's also hard to tell where you are, since all the dorms look exactly alike at night.
<John> umm...ok...this is it right here.
<Girl 1> Really? Ok...
John gets out of the car.
<John> Thanks for the ride!
<Girl 1> No problem!
The two girls drive off.
John crosses the street.
<John> Umm...waitaminute...this is Elkton, not Ellicott...
John thinks for a minute, then smacks himself on his head.
<John> I could have sworn I knew this campus better than that! Oh well..
John walks back to his dorm.
*The horrible snapping sound you saw earlier was Donald's finger breaking, due to some jerk bending his his hand backwards. We hope it gets better soon.
John is an Computer Science major Honors student who is excelling in failing all of his classes.
Matt is a Computer Engineering major Gemstone student who has no social life due to his immense programming projects.
